The Puppeteer's Play: Overcoming Gaslighting & Empowerment by recognizing the signs & tactics

Written by Keerthi Aithal, Psychologist, Ph.no: +919980476255
 Read time 10 minutes

                

                       Gaslighting is a form of manipulation were the gaslighter (person who is manipulating) psychologically manipulates the victim/target individual to the point were the person starts to doubt his/her own reality, perceptions of the world, & sanity. 

                      It makes one doubt self, his/her perceptions, experiences, thoughts, feelings, or memories, which leads to the loss of confidence & self-worth, emotional dysregulation, dependency on the gaslighter; taking a toll on one’s mental health.  

                    Gaslighting can happen in any relationship; be it romantic, friends, colleagues, family/relatives. The motive of the Gaslighter is to attain power over their victim, which they do so by emotionally, physically or financially controlling their victim.

                   The term Gaslighting comes from the 1938 stage play “Gaslight” from Patrick Hamilton. In this play the husband psychologically manipulates his wife & makes her to believe that she is insane by manipulating certain things of their environment, convincing her about her incorrect perceptions of the happenings of the surroundings; for instance, dimming the Gaslight & pretending as though nothing has changed in an attempt to make his wife doubt her perceptions & reality.

What are the Tactics & Typical Gaslighting Lines used by the Gaslighter! 

Tactics used by the Gaslighter :

• They emotionally abuse & steal with the victim's mind.
• They lie & never back down 
• They blame shift, twist stories, narrations &  events in their favor.
• They demean or devalue the target individual.
• They distract or change  the topic of discussion.
• They deny their misdeeds, misbehaviors or immoral conducts.
• They may sometimes use kind, caring & sympathetic words to confuse the victim, & make the victim trust & be dependent on them.

The Gaslighter gets hedonistic pleasure in having control & power over their target individual, & they will go to any extent in doing so.

Typical Gaslighting Lines used by the Gaslighter:

• "Is there something wrong with you?"
• "You are being so dramatic! Can't you behave normally?"
• "You are being too sensitive!"
• " You are so dumb! I have to explain you things more than once, & it's exhausting!"
• "You are a Paranoid prick!"
• " That never happened! I think you have difficulty in remembering things!".
• " You please don't accompany me anywhere. It feels shameful to walk with you.
• "Look at you! You don't have any style! "
• "Oh honey! Can't you do this one thing for me! Don't you know how much I love you! "
• "Are you sure you remember it correctly! I doubt your memory! "
• "Leave it! You are too naïve to understand it!"
• "Oh my dear! Not only me, everyone knows that you are insane".

How to recognise a GASLIGHTHER?

People who engage in manipulative tactics often have PERSONALITY DISORDER ( such as Narcissistic, Borderline & Antisocial Personality Disorder) or PSYCHOPATHY.

These people tend to put up a charming public face which makes it harder to recognise the dark side of their personality.

How to know 'If You are being GASLIGHTED ?

An individual put through gaslighting feels suffocated & imprisoned by the gaslighter. It might cause the victim anxiety, depression & other mental health conditions.

If any of the following statements feels true, there are chances that you might have experienced it,

• You start DOUBTING - the decisions you take; choices you make; things that you do; your perceptions; your feelings; your thoughts; your self - worth; the way you relate to others & self.

• You end up defending yourselves for the false accusations levelled against you more often.

• You find yourself excusing their abusive behaviors.

• You feel the need to record the conversation you had with the person to reassure yourself that you heard it correctly, & also to show it as a proof to the person who is gaslighting. 

• You feel guilty, scared, & obligated around their presence, & you feel you are being coerced to do things you don't wanna do.

• You often feel you can't do anything right.

Gaslighting: Deliberate or Unintentional?

Individuals may not always be aware that they are engaging in gaslighting. Whether intentional or unintentional, the act involves deriving satisfaction from manipulating a victim's thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to assert control.

Gaslighting is prevalent in familial, social, and friendship circles. The biopsychosocial model suggests that both genetic (nature) and psychosocial (nurture) factors contribute to the development of gaslighting behavior. Children and youth often learn these behaviors from various sources, including parents, relatives, friends, coworkers, and society at large. Regardless of intent, gaslighting behavior should not be excused.

Young adults and youth play a crucial role in driving positive change and progress. Consequently, fostering healthy behavioral practices during early development becomes imperative.

MANIPULATION vs GASLIGHTING 

Distinguishing manipulation from gaslighting is essential:

• Manipulation involves influencing others artfully or unfairly to please the manipulator. In contrast, gaslighting seeks power and control in a more insidious manner.

• Manipulation does not  typically include abusive behaviors, while gaslighting encompasses emotional abuse, mental theft, and denial of the other person's reality.

• Manipulation is a common tactic employed for specific gains, such as persuading someone to sign a contract or make an immediate purchase. Gaslighting, on the other hand, is a tactic designed to keep the victim emotionally dysregulated and hooked by providing logical reasons for accusations.

• Manipulation is a key factor in gaslighting.

What to do if someone is 'GASLIGHTING' you???

It would be advisable to approach a Mental Health Professional (Psychiatrists, Psychologists, or  Psychosocial workers) who are able to understand your situation & validate the traumatic experiences your going through, & provide you with the necessary support, tools & skills to manage your mental health conditions.

SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES: 

Boundaries are necessary to preserve your mental wellbeing. The gaslighter might sometimes not respect or violate or use guilt to challenge your boundaries, but, make sure you reinforce the boundaries. 

Make the gaslighter clear as to what actions are allowed, & state your expectations & limitations clearly. Avoid over explaining your boundaries, & prevent yourself from coming into any future conflicts with the gaslighter (verbal or physical).

Get into contact with your friends, or any family member who can here you out, or vouch, or affirm for you, which would help you to trust yourself again, & by helping you with checking the facts & reality, & help you heal from the invalidating, minimizing or trivializing experiences had with the gaslighter.

BUILDING UP YOUR SELF- CONFIDENCE:

1. Try practicing Positive Affirmations (Positive self-talks) which would help elevate your mood levels.
2. Try going back in time, & recall all the things you did which made you feel proud about yourself, & make a list of those things. 

Make it a point to save the evidences of your experiences such as text messages, voice messages, voice recordings, e-mails as a proof to help yourself to make a reality testing, as being in gaslighting relationship can make you to question your reality.

JOURNALING: 

Journaling positively impacts your mental health. Write down all your day to day experiences (such as the invalidating talks, abusive words, the manipulative tricks) which you had with the gaslighter. Try making sense of what those experiences made you think & feel about yourself, & the gaslighter Observe & pen down your pattern of conversations with the gaslighter, to better understand how & where the conversation is heading towards. This helps you process the stressful experiences which you had with the gaslighter, & would help you feel grounded. 

RELAXATATION TECHNIQUES:

Involve yourself in relaxation techniques & grounding exercises (get aid from the Mental Health Professional regarding the tools & techniques for relaxation & grounding skills).

PRACTICING MINDFULNESS:

Practicing mindfulness helps you to focus on yourself instead on the other person. Because being in gaslighting relationship is exhausting, & your attention & focus is always on the other persons (gaslighters) happiness, decision making etc. It becomes hard for you to differentiate between your needs & aspirations compared to that of the gaslighters, as your reality & sanity of your mind is shaken & stolen because of the long term relationship with the gaslighter.  Hence, mindfulness would help you get the focus back on yourself rather than on the gaslighter (get aid from the Mental Health Professional regarding the same).  

FINALLY: Consider ending the relationship with the gaslighter if you think its going out of control, & you are not able to handle it!!!!